I have never written something as personal as this on Mission Girl, but I hope that this can help someone out there and if that someone is one person then so be it. My aim on this blog is to share my faith and my experiences and I pray that God uses me (which He is doing) to make a difference in someone else’s life, through His leadership of course.
I didn’t really know or understand the real meaning of grief. This all changed for me in the last couple of months when my mum received a phone call that my precious grandpa had past away. A couple of month before his death we heard that he was extremely ill. I didn’t think much of it neither did I make a big deal out of it.
A couple of weeks later he was able to walk again and he got better. He got sick again. I asked God to heal my grandpa. I remember lying on my bed at night and looking up at the white blank patterned ceiling in my bedroom. I stared at the ceiling and asked God to do a quick healing on my grandpa and that I knew that his sickness wasn’t very serious and that he would get better again in no time. As I asked God for my favours I lowered my voice into a whisper, it was dawn, everyone was sleeping and I was too worried that I would wake everyone up so I decided to lower my whisper into an almost silent prayer. I don’t remember much after that because I think I silent prayed myself to sleep.
I found it simply difficult to act as if nothing was wrong, why would I have wanted to act as if nothing was wrong anyway?… because something was definitely wrong. No matter where I was or who I was with it would always be in the back of my mind. It was hard to ignore what was going on and being in such a situation made it difficult for me to fully appreciate everything I had. Weeks went by and I kept asking God. I didn’t give up, I was very determined that my grandpa would get well. I was right because He did get better. I was happy and glad. Not for long though…
The happiness didn’t last because a couple of weeks later he passed away. I was coming out of the shower and my mum was standing just outside the bathroom door as she spoke on the phone. While still in the bathroom I could hear noises but I couldn’t exactly make out what she was saying. As I opened the door my mum started crying and she dropped the phone on the floor, I panicked and asked what was wrong. she told me the news that I had been dreading. I got this terrible, strange unfamiliar feeling in my stomach. I felt weak, dizzy, clumsy… words alone are not enough to fully express how I felt.
I didn’t know what to do but I felt pain. I covered my face “where are you God!” I asked. I cried “where are you” I stumbled, sat on my bed and buried my head in my hands “why would something like this happen!”. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know whether to be angry at God and blame Him for what happened. I couldn’t think straight. I didn’t know who I was any more. I felt lost. Everything became meaningless.
The reality became real as the news spread to family and friends more and more people started showing up at our home and the entire house became full. I became moody, unhappy, bitter and most of all snappy towards innocent people. I cried in my pillow and asked God many many questions. Everything became ineffectual and forlorn. My mind was’t in the right place to even function properly. I simply didn’t give a care in the world, It was as if I was covered by a black cloud which radiated negative energy. The grief was weighing me down. I became depressed, sad and angry at the same time.
I began to question my existence. “if everyone is born, spends time here on earth and then they die just like that then what’s the point of life?” I asked God. “It’s better for everyone to not exist at all instead of going through the pain of death Lord, it’s not fair that people just pass away like that, its not fair that death can cut a person’s life short, and it just comes unexpectedly and unannounced”.Tears started streaming across my nose bridge, as I lay on my bed I could feel the cold wet patches on the side of my face that was against the pillow. “what about me God, why am I here…why do I exist”?.
The next day, alone in my room while sitting on my bed I spotted my bible. I stared at my bible for what seemed like an hour, I guess I was searching for an ounce of hope or maybe an answer to what was happening to me. I took my bible and flipped through the pages. While flipping through I came across a certain passage in the book of Matthew, it was Matthew 5:4 to be exact and it said:
“Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted”
I recognised the verse but I never truly understood it’s real meaning until that day. I highlighted the passage with a green marker and also wrote it on a notice board in my room so that every time I would walk in and out of my room I would see it easily.
The more I recounted the verse in my mind the stronger I felt. I truly believe that God was using this passage to let me know that it’s good to cry when I’m hurting and that He will be right there with me, to comfort me and to wipe away all my tears. God let me know that it’s ok to ask huge and strange questions when the world around me feels like it’s falling apart.
I realised that I wasn’t created to walk this journey of faith alone, non of us were created to walk it alone. This journey isn’t easy and there are stumbling blocks along the way, that’s why God is walking this journey with us, He knows how much we need Him.
Are you feeling broken?, fed up?, tired?… you probably have the solution to your own problem but are too busy worrying to even recognise it. The solution to your problem my dear can only be found in the word of God. The bible is packed with full of stories, true stories experienced by real humans in other words people just like you and I. The bible is basically our life and we shouldn’t neglect it.
We will always have a lot of questions for everything that happens in our lives and the world around us but it’s very important to trust God and to remember that everything happens for a reason and that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose“. – Romans 8:28
In simple words God knows why He created you and He alone has all the reasons for your existence, so things that will take place in your life whether the good, the bad or the ugly are all part of His divine plan believe or not, so learn to trust Him.
Through this experience I have learned that In my darkest days I can lean on God, find Hope and strength in His word.
“Open my eyes that I may see wonderful things in your law” – Psalm 119:18
Speak to you soon :)Xx